These hilarious words are borrowed from the folks at Writers’ HQ, so that your time spent reading what would have been a dry and boring ass Privacy Policy will actually be quite entertaining. But being allowed to use their Privacy Policy as my own comes at a price! This is my payment:  

“With thanks to Writers’ HQ, my supreme writing commanders, glorious leaders and excellent but tiny overlords, who have verily granted me permission to use their splendid and sweary Privacy Policy”.

Ok, now that that’s out of the way let’s get going on these Privacy Policy shenanigans.


WOW has anyone ever read one of these?

I have to have one of these dealios to explain how I comply with the GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation), the DPA (Data Protection Act) and the PECR (Privacy and Electronic Communications Regulations) because God knows there’s not enough actual interesting things in the world to read, you need to read 1,000 words of legalese nonsense that makes literally not one bit of difference to anyone, ever.

The best bit about the GDPR is that all this has to be “concise, transparent, intelligible and easily accessible” so hold on to your hats, motherfuckers, this is going to be the shortest, clearest and best freakin’ privacy policy you ever did see.

So. Here we go…

TL;DR

This is a tiny, overstretched hobby blog and I don’t have the time or energy to do anything nefarious with your data. It’s not that I’m not evil – I’m as corruptible as anyone – I’m just too tired to think up a malevolent plot to steal your identity.

This website collects and stores the info I need to provide you with the content you come here for. And I occasionally stalk you via Facebook adverts. That’s really it.

COOKIES

Seriously who actually cares? Do you even know what a cookie is or does? Well then. Yes this website  uses cookies because that’s kinda how the Internet works. If you don’t want my delicious home-baked chocolate chip scripts, then you need to block cookies on your browser but don’t come crying to me when nothing does what it’s supposed to.

STALKY VISITOR TRACKING

Look, I’m following you, ok? I use Google Analytics, primarily to stare at the real time stats because they’re cool but also to see what stuff people looking at so I can write more of the stuff you like.

This doesn’t store any super personal data about you though, but it probably nabs your IP address, not that I’d know where to look for it or what to do with it. All I see is that a person or many people have interacted with the website in a particular way. You can mess with us by doing something totally unexpected on the website and skewing my stats. Or you could do something way more fun and useful with your time LIKE TRAVELLING.  

DATA STORAGE

DATA!! It’s all about the data, baby. A literal fuck-tonne of petabytes whirring around the world and what? What’s it all for? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? What will future historians actually see of us and our slowly collapsing society? So. I store your data in a few different places and use it in a couple of different ways. You ready for this?

Here on this website! If you register with the site, I will store your name and email address. But I’ll be honest: I do absolutely nothing surprising or radical with your info. I use your search history to target you with ads for stuff you might like.

Mailchimp! If you’ve signed up for the newsletter on this site, your name and email address also wangs its way over to Mailchimp, which is the system I use to manage my newsletters and emails. They are (allegedly) GDPR compliant. You can unsubscribe from emails at any time by hitting the unsubscribe button.

YOUR PAYMENT DETAILS

When you buy stuff through affiliate links embedded on the website, you will be paying through their gateways, so I don’t store any of your payment info. I’m just the messenger, so don’t shoot the messenger! (if anything bad happens, that is).

EMAIL MARKETING THINGIES AND NEWSLETTERS

If you sign up to my newsletter, I will send you a newsletter – generally around one a month, but occasionally more if there is more interesting stuff to tell you. You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the unsubscribe button in every email. Your name and email address are stored securely in Mailchimp.

Mailchimp automatically adds tracking things to links so if you click on a link WE KNOW. If you open an email WE KNOW. If you ignore us reminding you to be writing WE KNOW.

The most important thing about this is we have neither the time nor inclination to actually look at or do anything with these stats.

YOUR RIGHT TO BE DELETED

FINE FUCK OFF THEN WE DON’T CARE. If you want to go undercover, just chuck me an email at aimingforawe@gmail.com and I’ll delete all the info I have on you from my systems while having a passive aggressive huff about what I could have possibly done wrong.

SOCIAL MEDIA AND ALL THAT BOLLOCKS

I use social media a lot, partly to promote my content but mostly as a vehicle for my creative swearing and obnoxious opinions. If you talk to me on my Facebook page and I become familiar with you, I might find you on Instagram and say hello. You can ask me to be less friendly if you wish and I will of course respect your boundaries.

Got it? Read it? Done it? WELL FUCKING DONE YOU! Celebrate your achievement with a gold star.

 Gold Star for you!